“Most of your experience enduring the middle miles will be couched with uncertainty. You’ll feel like you’re wading through an ocean of unknown depths and inhabitants—in the dark.”
― Scott Belsky: The Messy Middle: Finding Your Way Through the Hardest and Most Crucial Part of Any Bold Venture
Earlier this year I addressed a very real thing that happens to a lot of us in one way or another. If you didn’t catch it check out that post here: Crashing (out) but Refusing to Burn. Many of us have asked whether we should keep on riding…sometimes repeatedly. I think of these times as messy middles because this ISN’T the end…not unless you quit.
I feel like if you’ve been riding long enough you have probably experienced a messy middle. You feel down about a phase in your riding. You’re struggling to improve one little thing. Or maybe you feel stuck at one level. Maybe you keep making the same mistakes? I’ve done all of those.
Real Things I Have Told Myself:
Why can’t I keep my hands closed?
Why can’t I keep my hands quiet?
Why can’t I control my body?
Why am I STILL at starter level?
What is wrong with me?
Anyone could ride Stanley better than me, I’m just ruining him.
Why can’t I figure this out? I’ve been practicing this for YEARS.
Should I just count my losses and be a pleasure rider? I suck at this sport I love so much.
I don’t belong, I don’t fit in, nobody will miss me at these events.
I’ll never be professional anyway so what’s the point?
In fact, the more I listen to others and the more I listen to Sinead Halpin Maynard’s In Stride podcast on Ride IQ The more I realize how many of the PROFESSIONALS often question their own resolve.
Moments like these cannot be comprehended immediately, typically it takes time and some distance to understand why you were there. When we zoom out and see the bigger picture…after the events have unfolded…only then does it make sense and bring comfort (or at least some closure).
I went to a show this past weekend. I brought Stanley alone. Several of my barn mates brought their horses. Suzanne brought Tiger. I was ill-prepared and did not set myself up for success to begin with. Our starter dressage test was rushed and not great. I blew the left lead canter. Jumping was just “okay.” While many people told me it was great I watched my video. We were chipping at each jump until we found our stride at fence 7. He wasn’t moving as forward as I should have let him and he was hanging a leg. We were disconnected.
After jumping he saw Tiger for the first time. He spent an hour having a full on meltdown. He broke off my trailer (I have a tie blocker ring) not once but twice. I tried to do groundwork but it only worked for a short time. Once he sees Tiger he is completely obsessive beyond anything I have ever seen before and I struggle to find the tools to help him cope. Tiger left in the trailer and it took Stanley 30 minutes to calm down, but he still called out and was still tense. This translated to another tense disconnected training level test.
I felt pretty tired and defeated. The stress of having a horse this upset over one friend and my inability to refocus his energy or help him cope is something I struggle with. I had hoped he matured and got better with age, confidence, training, and the addition of another paddock mate. He didn’t care about any other of his buddies. It’s always ONLY Tiger….and it is always an intense obsession. (I have considered bringing him home to separate them, but I fear my riding will suffer without the environment of the farm and arenas and camaraderie).
After some reflection, the show wasn’t successful; it was actually quite embarrassing, but it was informative. We learned that it doesn’t matter whether the horses trailer together or separately and that Stanley will cry regardless. We can tailor our plans with this knowledge. I learned to give myself even more time to arrive and warmup even with a local show; I am often too early so arriving too late is out of character and I learned my lesson.
A lot of times I would let this kind of day define my next rides and I’d have a cloud over my head. I’d ask if this is all worth it and if I should quit. For the first time I didn’t do this. I allowed myself to call it embarrassing and disappointing; I allowed myself to call it educational; and then I moved on. Stanley’s day was very long that show day…his longest in quite some time and it was emotional for him. So I gave us the following day off. I visited him, gave him a special snack and some scratches, and I left. On Tuesday we enjoyed a very good lesson with no trace of Sunday’s show cloud hovering over us.
It helps that we had a REALLY great run leading up to this show (see last week’s article May Days Flown By).
Anyone will tell you horseback riding and horse training is non-linear…you probably ALREADY know that… but trying to tell yourself that during a lower point in the process is difficult to digest in the moment.
Give yourself the grace to allow these messy middles. If you quit you’ll never know….or if you DO decide to quit/refocus/change disciplines…make sure you do it with a clear head and make that decision from a place of calm.
I haven’t decided to quit just yet. I struggle, but something still draws me to it. That draw tells me I’m not ready to quit, even if it’s hard. The draw tells me I love it. I know that Stanley loves it (when I do my job). We will continue to have messy middles but hopefully we will climb ever higher as we go.
Tell me about your messy middle!
The Green Horseman 
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