The last few weeks I’ve been a whirlwind of emotions.
My previous and successful outing at Larkin Hill (The Season Begins in Upstate New York) began a spiral I didn’t anticipate.
At the show Stanley and I did very well, but I noticed he struggled to pick up his left lead more than usual. As an aside…it is GREAT to say that considering not too long ago we ALWAYS struggled to pick up the left lead. I didn’t think a lot about it; we were also attempting it in a field instead of on the rail. I just made sure to school it a few times in warmup before we went into our test…and we got our lead in the test.
Our dressage test was the best we’ve ridden at a show. I was so happy with it I had unrealistic expectations about our scoring by a few points. The comments were constructive, but I took them to heart…the professional photos agreed with the judge’s comments. The only dressage photo I purchased looks like a great halt but we still only managed a 6.5 for it.
It’s amazing how self-sabotaging our minds can be. I must have been expecting myself to suddenly become a third level rider with a balanced supple horse and perfect hands, long legs directly under my seat, and pristine posture. For one thing “long legs” will never be used to describe me, it’s just not my part of my conformation. I hyper-fixated on these elements so much I began to confuse myself on where I should be holding them.
The day following our show I had an intense training session with a new to me instructor. We had a rough warmup because in less than 5 minutes Stanley fell in love with the four horses in the previous lesson and when they left he lost his composure. He and I argued until our trainer was able to pull us together. I got him back but for the next hour we rode 15meter circles and jumped low rails around these circles. I was also guided to have shorter reins than I have ever had with him. It was fun and he had fun, too….but it was too much too soon for an hourlong private session. Both of our backs were sore afterwards.
I gave Stanley the week off to recover…the following week we went into a dressage lesson. I was excited to finally ride with my dressage trainer and get guidance on my posture and hand position which, if you remember, I hyper-fixated on to the point of forgetting everything I know.
Stanley’s back was beginning to ache. I was beginning to get frustrated, trying to drive him forward from behind and up into the bridle. Keeping my reins short, carrying my hands up and forward but my elbows bent…and also being supple and soft? Was it the intense training? Was it the saddle fit? I was so in my head and lost I didn’t know what to do.
I got through the lesson without crying but I went home wondering if I wanted to continue this pursuit. Clearly, I was failing, I wasn’t getting it and I should be farther by now. I’m a terrible student. Why keep frustrating everyone around me. My mind is SO GOOD at destroying me that it created stories about my trainers and friends being ashamed of me so that I felt ganged up on. IN MY OWN HEAD!
I started thinking of the logistics of bringing Stanley home and making him just a trail riding pleasure horse.
In essence I had a full on crash-out.
I was crashing out so hard I was ashamed to talk to anyone.
When I hurt I withdraw.
Then I spoke. I spoke to a Facebook group of women…only one of them I’ve met in person while I was in Aiken. They were a great sounding board to start. Then I briefly talked to my non-horsey mom. And to Zac.
I reached out to my trainer and began to make plans for a phone session (I’ve yet to actually do it).
I gave Stanley a week of muscle relaxers and more time off. During our reprieve I gathered the facts….
- We have been riding well in the jump saddle and less in the dressage
- He has grown since his fitting in January
- We have the fitter already scheduled for May; not soon enough but we can do more groundwork if needed
- We have a bodyworker already scheduled for next week; this will be telling
- We have the vet coming next week already; a great opportunity to talk to her
- It’s only been 1 or 2 bad rides
Meanwhile I was signed up to ride in an arena derby at Larkin Hill.
For years I have longingly watched this event come and go but I wasn’t prepared to ride in it yet. This year I really wanted to make it happen. Aiken gave us so much confidence that it was finally our time.
In the days leading up to the derby I had time to step back and simmer in my thoughts. Stanley had time to rest, and the muscle relaxers had time to unravel tension.
Sunday came and I loaded him up and drove to Larkin Hill. We arrived and I walked my course. It was so friendly and fun. The first two jumps were stadium jumps along the far rail. You turned right to jump an XC coop and picked up another stadium jump on the front of the arena. You then rode an S across the arena, jumping a ditch in the middle, turning left to a log. A hard left took you over a stadium oxer and a hard right took you over another XC jump. Then a hard right to a stadium jump and a hard left to the coop to finish. It was friendly, challenging, and fun. A combination of XC and stadium jumping all held in the arena footing.
I got on Stanley and began warmup at 9am, he trotted around like he had no clue that I had just crashed out for a solid week and thought about quitting. He was relaxed, calm, and ready to do his job. I warmed him up over the designated vertical and log jumps and without working him too hard opted to walk around until warmup was over. We were the second pair to ride on the over of go.
We had a good ride. I made sure to be committed to our lines and to the jumps so he knew to move forward and over them. He had a brief stumble after jump 2 but regained his feet and gave me the correct lead well before we jumped the coop. I opted to trot him over the ditch; I had Andrea in my head reminding me that ditches are extended canter strides so I didn’t overjump it. Left turn rollbacks are often tough for him and we almost blew by jump 7 but I kept my hands forward, pointed at the jump and I closed my leg to tell him I was serious. We had a turn like this in our Aiken training to a similar oxer that he wasn’t loving because I wasn’t guiding him properly. This time we rode confidently up to it and even took a long spot. We knocked a rail at fence 9 but finished well. Even with our rail we went away with a fifth-place ribbon. I was really happy with our round, but I asked to ride a 2nd time and paid my $10.
Our second time around the course wasn’t for competition, but it offered us redemption to refine our ride. We began really well, no stumbles. He had a nice canter to the jumps. I cantered right lead around to the ditch, rode the extended canter stride over it while changing our bend and we got the immediate left lead on the other side. Our left turn to the oxer at fence 7 was exactly as I had planned it. We were on the wrong lead approaching fence nine but around the turn he gave me an automatic change, we did NOT knock the rail this time. We had a marvelous jump over the coop to finish a serious great round. I was beaming.
And his back wasn’t sore.
And he was just as happy as I was, it’s clear he loves his job…but really doesn’t love the dressage.
I began to reflect on the day and my crash-out the week before. I began to self-diagnose the situation and started getting curious. When did this begin? What was my trigger? I was able to open up a little more to others and melt back into the person I recognize.
As I write this, I haven’t resolved ALL the issues yet but I’m coming from a grounded place. I know I can help him through this. I am doing the right steps to get there. I am seeing the right people. Dressage is hard. Progress is non-linear.
The day after our derby we had an appointment with the vet to get balance rads of his front and hind feet. I wanted to make sure we were supporting Stanley with proper hoof-care. The vet sent images to my farrier and we will soon make a plan.
Following the vet I had a friend who is an incredible bodyworker come to work on him. He was sore in the low back, and there was evidence the saddle was pinching his withers…but we suspected this and I have the fitter coming. He had some other pain behind the poll, on his shoulder/neck in front of the withers. He had some sensitivity in the hind end, but she was happy with what she saw as it was “normal” and suggested he was using those muscles properly…like being a little tender after a good workout. He has developed more since she last saw him in all of the right areas…. his topline has improved and suggest he’s using himself and carrying himself as he should. He received E-stim, red light therapy, massage, and ultrasound on all the important areas. The session was well-deserved and once again thanks to my work schedule he has had a bit more time off to recover.
We will be back riding this coming week and I am back to myself again.
Be honest, have you thought about giving up on something you care a lot about? What happened? What did you do? Let’s chat!
The Green Horseman 
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