The Green Horseman

Life has a way of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.

-Paulo Coelho

Welcome back friends!

I have taken the last six weeks off of writing. I needed the break as I navigated the chaos and overwhelm that I’ve found myself in this year. I needed time to reorganize and regain my own footing. To know that I’m going to be okay.

I found myself in a very dark place last month. It was a place I haven’t been in over twenty years. And yet, twenty years ago my problems at the time feel null but I felt alone…and I felt them regardless of how “real” they were. This time my problems seemed more real, more insurmountable, but I have a fantastic support system. Maybe in twenty years I’ll look back and feel like these past few months were just a drop in the bucket (but somehow I don’t think so).

This year has not been kind to say the least. I will share only to give you an idea of the place I was mentally…among some major trauma there have been minor problems that, when taken altogether, were mind-numbingly overwhelming. I was having panic attacks, spontaneously crying, manic episodes zoning out for hours following by hours of fitful working, and having some dark thoughts I’ll leave out of here. I’m only telling it all so I can give the most transparent view I can; I need no sympathy, and I don’t say it to complain.

But I am here to tell you I am finding my way out. We aren’t there totally, but I finally am starting to see the light. I am finally able to come to the other side and feel grateful for the small positives hidden in all the negatives.

---

Let’s lay it all out on the table. I’m good at the overshare.

• In December we lost Zac’s grandmother.
• My father spent Christmas in the hospital.
• In January we unexpectedly lost my cousin; he was only 4 months older than me.
• In February we said goodbye to my best friend’s dog, Jade.
• In March we said goodbye to our cat, Miss
• Also in March we lost my best friend’s dog Forrest.
• In April I was going back and forth making 8 hour trips one way to take care of my father who was rapidly declining.
• In May we put my father into hospice; he passed 1 week later.
• In June we said goodbye to Cash, a horse at our farm and the farm owner’s last living horse.
• I also found Stanley hobbled in his stall in with a hay net in June. He had a pulled muscle and needed to rest so we gave him 4 weeks off.
• Later in the month (June) after a long week of stress I stupidly got in my car to move it ten feet. As I often do when moving just a few feet I kept my door open and forgot how close I was to my horse trailer. The driver door peeled open like a tuna can.
• On July 5th, my mom was riding with her cycling group. They were traveling 22mph when her bike hit a blemish in the road and she lost control. Her bike swerved into oncoming traffic. Her shoulder took out the side mirror of an oncoming car traveling at 55mph and her head shattered the driver’s window. Amazingly she survived, and walked away with a very small brain bleed and a compound fracture on her finger.
• A few days later I learned my hay guy and neighbor had passed away. He was found in his hay field making hay.
• Just days after the accident I was due to go to Maine with our truck…but we found diesel leaking all over the driveway. A return line had rusted out and I had just topped off our tank.
• Later in July Stanley presented with a runny eye. It was a Sunday and I originally thought it was allergies so I cold compressed it and turned him out. Two days later he had a recheck with his vet for the muscle pull, but I asked her to first look at his eye. It was a corneal ulcer. He was ready to come back into work but now needed aggressive 4x/day treatment to treat the ulcer.
• After a week of intense treatment we noticed not only was it not improving but he was worse. We brought him to a referral vet for more intense care. The next day he was then referred to another hospital that would perform a standing surgery. When the ophthalmologist looked she decided standing was too risky so they had to escalate it to a general anesthesia surgery.
• While I was dealing with Stanley’s increasing eye emergency, I also went into contract to sell my father’s home 8 hours away. As an only child I have been managing my father’s estate on my own. There was paperwork to sign, important decisions to make, and phone-calls to make to contractors. In order to sell I need to have certain repairs made and dealing with it from so far away makes it difficult.
  • The original estimate I received on a repair was doubled once the contractor got a good look because of the state things were in.
• A week ago my daily car, the Subaru, flashed three dashboard lights the day Zac flew across the country to California. I learned to read the diagnostic tool and had to bring it into the shop for repairs. My car has been in the shop several times this year already to get new brakes, new tires, fix TPMS lights (that still aren’t fixed).

---

I don’t like to complain, everyone has their own world of misery…but this year has seemed extraordinarily difficult.

Truly…I feel like I need a spiritual cleanse. To be smudged.

Yet…I STILL try to find the light. I have hope in my resilience. I have spent time reflecting on everything.

To lose a loved one is never easy. Never fair. And at the same time losing a loved one hurts us the most. The ones we loved likely suffered more prior to leaving this world. For our older pets who lived remarkable lives euthanaia is a gift.

Grandma’s loss (Meemee) was difficult but she had been in pain. Losing Dustin was unfair and unexpected. He had fought so many battles medically. Watching dad deteriorate was excruciating. He fought with every fiber he had and refused to acknowledge his reality until the day before he left us. I’m only glad that he didn’t suffer longer. He was in so much pain.

---

My mother’s accident was unbelievable in so many ways. It was a shock. Shocking in what happened. Shocking that she survived. Shocking that she walked away with so little damage. I am a spiritual person and I genuinely believe someone (or several) was looking out for her that day. Her helmet saved her life but so many other things happened. She was to be airlifted….she was IN the helicopter about to take off when they had warning lights come on and they said they could not take off. She was transported to the trauma center by ambulance. Later we found out she had a brain bleed…the pressure of elevation in a helicopter could have made matters worse.

The brain bleed was benign enough that the doctors did not rescan her. She had a compound fracture on her finger which was surgically repaired the next week. Beyond those major injuries she suffered bruising.

I am thankful each and every day that my mom survived.

---

Stanley:

Rest assured that I WILL be adding posts in the future to detail our saga so there will be details to come…and pictures.

I am so grateful that I live in an area with so many wonderful vets available. Each facility I work with makes me more and more grateful. Stanley’s surgery will be incredibly expensive, but I don’t worry about him so much knowing that he is in great hands. I’m grateful to be good with money and to have a good business which will 100% be going towards his ever-growing vet bills.

Currently he is being cared for in a top-notch facility with his ophthalmologist only minutes away. This has been a nightmare but for what it is we are getting the best outcome.

I can’t fathom living in an area where there are no farm vet calls and the closest vet is a 3hour trailer ride…and even further for a hospital. I hear about these “desserts” and to be honest it scares the crap out of me.

---

My dad’s estate:

I am so grateful that dad was so orderly and organized. I am also grateful that I have an outstanding real estate agent who has been going above and beyond to help me move forward from such a distance. She has been a Godsend in these hard times.

I’m grateful that Maine is relatively straightforward in the probate process.

---

The problems with the vehicles….

Honestly, first world problems. I’m lucky to have these vehicles and I’m lucky to have an amazing man who can do quite a lot to help keep them in good condition. Ordinarily these problems would be minute and not worth talking about but this year everything just stacked up.

My car door was able to be banged into place. It doesn’t leak but makes a slight whistling sound when I drive. Thanks to Zac it didn’t cost me a whole new door.

The diesel leak was a quick repair. Zac overnighted a replacement line and performed the fix himself. I drove it to Maine and back with no issues.

The lights on my dashboard turned out to be dirty oil. My car’s oil had been recently changed and I was over 3000 miles from when it was due, meaning the previous shop had either NOT done the oil change or used recycled oil. The $400 job turned to $60.

Looks like I’m breaking up with the shop that originally “changed” the oil. I had been going to them for the past 20 years. How disappointing but also how grateful I am for the new place and for such a simple fix.

---

I’m sorry for this long winded downer of a post, but I am back and, on the way back up. Finding my footing, regaining my composure, and reminding myself why I keep going. I get more resilient. I have taken lots of time to reflect. I was able to step back finally and find clarity and my rational thought.

I am finally finding my way back to me.

This year wasn’t 100% terrible so far, either and in the next few weeks I am thrilled to share you all the GOOD stuff along with sharing the details of Stanley’s saga!