Good morning friends.
I’ve debated with myself whether I should or should not post this today. After much inner dialogue I decided to share what I can. I pride myself on my transparency and yet there are a lot of details about my life I don’t share with the public. Most often I don’t share details that involve other’s lives or anything that is unhappy…especially if it doesn’t DIRECTLY involve horses.
The truth is we ALL have “stuff” in our life. I don’t like to complain or cry publicly about my struggles but I must assure you WE ALL struggle. Maybe not at the same time but we do.
On Friday night, May 9th 2025, I cried and said goodbye to my father after a very hard fought battle with cancer. We thought we beat it in 2023 but it showed up again last year and would not respond to treatment.
His passing comes in the wake of losing my cousin, Dustin…also pictured in the below photo who passed suddenly January 31st. Our family is understandably shaken to it’s core. Dustin was just months older than I am.
I wrote a long story about our relationship for my friends and family, but for you I want to share what wasn’t told there. I could honestly go on and on and on. It helps me remember him, honor him, share him with the world. It’s helping with my grief.
Truth be told I am in a very strange state right now. Somewhere between grief…heartbreak for losing him…and relief…the last few weeks…months…were NOT “quality” of life. Dad was in hospice for 3 weeks but even with morphine it was excruciating to watch him waste away. He was so strong-willed and determined. I could not have endured what he had, and he fought on out of love. For me, for his family, and for two of her dearest friends.
Dad was not a horse-lover…but he knew what they meant to me. As a kid we would go to the University of New Hampshire to walk down the barn aisle and see the horses. He was always wary of them…their sheer size. When I was probably only four he built an addition onto our backyard shed. I was a daddy’s girl so I helped and went with him to the hardware store. He jokingly told me the shed was going to be my new pony’s home. I told everybody in Agway that I was getting a pony. My four-year-old brain didn’t grasp the fact that we lived in a small mobile home park. I teased him that he owed me a pony right through my thirties.
When I got my first horse he was so proud. He came to visit and watch me ride. It seemed like every time he came to watch I’d fall off. Knowing what I know now I tense up and stop breathing when I really want to impress someone. It didn’t matter why…it didn’t make him like horses any better. But he continued to support it, he could see how happy and how fulfilled I was.
When we had the horses at home I rode Tiger for him. I didn’t fall off this time. He took pictures and was so proud his daughter bought a home…a farm…and had not one but two horses in her backyard. A dream I never thought was actually possible. He came to visit, we walked the property and we burned scrap branches. One of his favorite past-times.
My dad was a good man. He was a good dad. It wasn’t always easy. He was stubborn, sensitive, and didn’t speak much. I very much took after him. We had our ups and downs. But I never felt he didn’t love me. I knew he was proud of me. He raised a strong, tough, independent woman who has never had to fear a man.
In the end I’d like to think there was far more good than bad. I remember so many great memories it’s now difficult to remember much bad ones. That’s sort of how one of my favorite Linkin’ Park songs goes.
Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you
So, if you’re asking me, I want you to knowWhen my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the restForgetting
All the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can’t be who you are-Linkin’ Park
Thank you for being here with me during this time. I am hurting a lot and I don’t normally post THIS kind of content. Grief is a fickle thing and I’m navigating my way through it. I am focusing on healing myself and taking the time I need. Some days I’m okay and others the grief sneaks up out of nowhere and I need to take a few moments and have a cry. Today was one of those days.
He didn’t love horses but he was happy they made me happy. The horses have been playing a key role in my spiritual healing journey.
As I continue to ride and show this year…I pray he’s looking down watching and smiling.
The Green Horseman 
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